....pregnant...

5 weeks - 7/20/2015

I am pregnant again.  I feel incredibly fortunate to have conceived again so quickly.  It was hard to miscarry and I know it will be hard to let go of all anxiety in these early weeks of pregnancy, but it would have also been very hard to wait months to become pregnant again.  So I feel really fortunate.

I waited a few days past my missed period to take a test, because I didn't want to get my hopes up until I was clearly pregnant.  I'd been having signs of pregnancy but I was worried I was reading something into nothing.  Turns out I wasn't.

I've been trying to put into words how I'm feeling these last few days.  "Excited" isn't right.  Which is weird, because I want so much to bring another baby into this family.  But excited feels carefree, and I think a miscarriage pulls away the innocence and naivete of finding out you are pregnant.

In April, the positive pregnancy test meant NEW BABY, coming in January, but probably, closer to Christmas.  Now, I have an understandable skepticism that this positive test means an actual baby.  I'm feeling more hesitant; hopeful, but cautious.

The best description I can come up with is "subdued happiness."  My mom was in town, so she learned right away of our news.  But the idea of calling my dad to tell him didn't seem right.  I mean I'd just called my parents all excited a few months back.  There will be plenty of time for excitement; right now I feel happy to be where I am, but don't want to dive in fully.

I am surprised that I'm not a raging ball of anxiety.  I'm really not that anxious.  I remember I'm pregnant sometimes and forget at other moments.  I don't feel weak or delicate and I'm continuing to have the peace I'd come to about a month ago.

I'm already nauseous which is a comforting feeling since I never really got there in the spring.  I feel several pregnancy symptoms and they are nice to have back around.

And I've realized again, how quickly a pregnancy becomes part of your present and your future.  As soon as I knew I was pregnant, I looked up my due date, which of course populates the next eight months of my calendar with what my life might be like.  Finding out the sex in the fall, a majorly pregnant Mardi Gras...

Nothing would make me happier than to get to walk through all those moments and meet a healthy, third child in mid-March.